Light

Some people will come into your life and just make you feel like it all makes sense, like the world exists for a reason, like you exist for a reason. They will give life meaning enough for you to realize that it's okay to be sad; it's okay to fall down and get hurt. It's okay because they are there and because they will be there to guide you and help you stand. They will be there to make you feel whole in your bones, like every bit of you is in place and feels good where it is. It fits.
They will make you feel like you fit. Like you fit in a world you once thought you don't belong to. They will make you believe that you are capable of doing all the things you wanted but thought you weren't qualified for. They will make you feel good enough, worthy enough, and it will be like they built you out of the rubble, like they collected all the shattered, dispersed pieces of you and made a complete something out of them; you. A complete you, a different you.
They will just make sense out of everything.
They will be the light that you should do all your best to never put out.
They will be you, only when you take a leap of faith. Only when you realize that this light comes from within you. The light that shines through the empty holes and tiny cracks in your soul; and again you realize, you realize that without these cracks you wouldn't see the light. You wouldn't know that it deserves to come out. You wouldn't know that you have it all, all inside you, but all what you need is a moment of clarity, a moment of reconciliation and power. Power to unleash greater power, to bring out the light. The light that only comes from within.

I don't know

I don't know if we are victims of all the harshness in the world or why we see it to be unfair is somehow our fault. I don't know if overthinking and over-analyzing is wrong, tiring and consuming or is it the proper way to reach correct conclusions and find peace within our deliberately planned decisions. Should we consider every step and calculate every move we make or just follow our hearts till the end of time? Should we find middle ground, not follow our hearts without using our heads and not use our heads and go against our hearts? Is that even possible?
Should we speak up and let it all out because bottled up feelings are like swords to our fragile souls or are some things better left unsaid? What is, for that matter, better to be left unsaid?
I don't know.
I don't know if we should take a leap of faith and have trust in the unknown or should we be cautious, back off and wait. Should we venture, take risks because it's only one life or should we stay safe and protect ourselves from any opportunity carrying potential harms? 
Should we fight relentlessly for people or let them go for if they are meant to come back they will? Will they? Will all the lost people, moments and opportunities come back in one way or another or should we have clenched to them hard enough to make sure they stick around, or at least guarantee their return?
Should we set no limits to our dreams and fly in the sky of ambition with no restraint, no control or should we just keep our feet on the ground and be realistic, face our predestined futures like we had no choice? Or shall we again reach for elusive, unattainable middle ground? 
I don't know.
All around us are questions. Questions that may be hurtful and distressing. Questions that bring neither aid nor comfort, yet cause further pain and agitation. Questions that raise more questions. Questions that provoke further doubts. And more importantly, questions that don't seem to have answers. But what if there were answers? Will they be right? Will they be wrong? Will they bring us tranquility or be of more discomfort?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
But what do we know?

I had a fear

I had a fear. I was broken, crushed, grief-stricken and I had a fear. In fact, I had more than a fear.
I had a fear of never being able to trust somebody again.
I had a fear of placing my confidence into someone, a fear of believing, depending, expecting and then getting disappointed.
I had a fear of getting disappointed, being let down by somebody I praise, vanquished by a warrior I once considered a hero, my hero.
I had a fear of being fooled by a merry phase, blinded against the truth that this phase is about to end.
I had a fear of having to face the end, having to confront a reality I have been avoiding to grasp.
I had a fear of oblivion, a fear of having it all and waking up to find none of it all.
Above so, I had a fear of letting go of my fears, for each fear was my shield, my armor, my ultimate protection, a road to living in caution, an open door to escape the actual world, the harsh world.
I had fears that dug a hole in me. I had fears that brought me emptiness, numbness, apathy.
I feared anything and everything, eminence and nothingness, greatness and pettiness.
I feared and feared and feared.
I feared until I found my sanctuary, my real escape from the cruel world, protection against every fear, against every dread, against every doubt. 
I found safety. I found shelter. I found you.
But then, I had a fear.
In fact, I had more than a fear.

الإنسان مسير أم مخير؟

هل الإنسان مسير أم مخير؟ سؤال جوهري ممكن نكون بنسأله لنفسنا كتير، أو حتى مش بنفكر فيه بإسلوب مباشر، ولكنه شبه مطاردنا معظم الوقت من شدة اثارته للجدل... قد إيه لينا سيطرة على حياتنا وقراراتنا؟ هل احنا اللي بنقوم باختياراتنا فعلاً ولا كلها ضمن مسيرة مكتوبة لنا واحنا مجرد بنتبع خطة مسبقة ومالناش دور فيها؟

من فترة كدة كنت في قعدة عائلية ومن ضمن الحوار طرح أحد أصدقاء العائلة السؤال ده، ومن ساعتها والموضوع شاغلني جداً. الإنسان مسير أم مخير؟ شفت جزء من حلقة "البحث عن دليل" من برنامج العلم والإيمان للدكتور مصطفى محمود، كان بيجاوب فيها على السؤال ده، وفي حوالي ٤ دقايق بس ظهرلي إن الموضوع قمة في البساطة المعقدة، زي السهل الممتنع كدة! إيه التشابك ده؟ لفت نظري الكلام إلى إن الموضوع يؤخذ من جانبين، جانب عن الناس السلبية أو "السطحيين" على حد تعبير الدكتور مصطفى محمود و دول اللي بكل بساطة ماشيين يعملوا ما بدا لهم من عصيان أو فساد مثلاً، وبيصدروا التهمة لفكرة إن الإنسان ما هو إلا جندي مسير واللي بيحصل ده ضمن حياة جبرية ربنا هو اللي كتبها علينا، لكن ازاي؟ ده لا هو دينياً صح ولا هو شئ يعقل أساساً، مما يؤدي لإن كدة الإنسان مخير بقى! ما احنا مش مجبرين على حاجة، ولا احنا مجرد جنود عمي، والدليل إن ربنا خلق لنا عقل نفكر بيه، ومن هنا بردو تحضر في ذهني عبارة "اعقلها وتوكل على الله"، يعني احنا بنعقل وبنفكر وبنختار وبنقرر، لكن هل اختيارنا ده بقى ليه لازمة أساساً ولا نرجع ونقول ده كله مقدر ومكتوب؟ و الإجابة على ده هي الجانب التاني للموضوع وهو إنه اه طبعاً كله مقدر ومكتوب وربنا بيبقى عارف وعلى علم بكل قرار بنقوم بيه، وعارف إن اختيارنا ده ممكن يكون غلط بس أرجع أفكر تاني ويأتيني سؤال، طب ليه؟ ليه ربنا عارف اننا بنضر نفسنا أو حتى كمان غيرنا وسايبنا؟ وأفكاري تسوقني لإنه سايبنا عشان في الاول وفي الاخر هو ترك لنا حرية الإختيار عشان يكون كل شخص مذنب مستحق للعقاب وكل شخص على حق مستحق للثواب. ولكن بردو هل فعلاً احنا لينا حرية الاختيار؟ بنلف في نفس الدايرة...من ضمن كلام الدكتور مصطفى محمود كان إن الدليل على حريتنا هو اننا بنحاسب بعض، وبنلوم بعض على أفعالنا، و شبه الفكرة بإن لو واحد ضرب واحد بالقلم، مش بيقول اه ده القلم ده كان مكتوبلي و يسيب الموضوع ولا كأن حصل حاجة ، لأ طبعاً بيلوم اللي ضربه...يعني احنا مش بنلوم القدر بس، لا ده احنا بنلوم غيرنا وكمان بنلوم نفسنا وده دليل تاني على الحرية وهو الاحساس بالمسؤولية، منين احنا مجبرين ومسيرين ومنين بنحس بالذنب والمسؤولية والندم تجاه أفعال احنا في الأساس مختارنها بنفسنا؟ طب ما احنا مسؤولين أهو، يعني احنا أساساً مش فاهمين حاجة وبنناقض نفسنا و خلاص! المهم وصلت في الأخر يعني إلى إن بكدة الإنسان له نطاق واسع من الحرية ومش كل حياتنا جبرية ولا قهرية زي ما بيعتقد البعض اللي قلنا عليهم "سطحيين". وفي وجهة نظري الحرية دي مش مقيدة بمشيئة القدر و لكنها تابعة له؛ لأن اختياراتنا تعتبر إختبارات هي اللي بتؤدي لقدرنا اللي هو أساساً في الأصل مكتوب ومعروف من قبل وقوعه. طب يعني في الاخر الإنسان مسير أم مخير؟ أعتقد إن هو الاتنين، وهو ده التشابك. في حديث متفق عليه عن الرسول صلى الله عليه وسلم بيقول: "اعملوا فكل ميسر لما خلق له". فالانسان مخير وله النطاق الواسع ده من الحرية الغير مقيدة ولكن الحرية المنساقة تحت القدر وتحت إرادة ربنا سبحانه وتعالى و ده بدوره بيخلي الإنسان مسير، لكن في نفس الوقت مخير. و نرجع تاني نلف في نفس الدايرة

 والله أعلم...

Loss

There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone down from heaven, you wish you could go back to before you lost them, to when you were able to spend time with them, feel the warmth of their presence, listen to them laugh, hear their voice penetrate you, go through you like it's warm soup to your cold, hungry soul. You wish you could just bring some of the days back, when you could talk to them, hug them, kiss them, make them feel how much you love them and how important they are to you. You wish you would have done that more often, you wish you could do that again, at least one more time, one last time. 

There are moments in life when you feel like someone was everything in your life, like everything revolved around them and everything is falling apart without them. You feel that with them gone, it's the end of the world already and you are just trapped, trapped in a dilemma of loss and fear. You feel that life is failing you, life is harsh, life is unfair. You don't want this. You don't want to be in this world if they are not in it. You don't want to move on without them. You think you can't. You think they were air, they were light. Like the world would come crashing in upon you and you just lay there, in the darkness, missing them, wishing they were there, still wishing you could bring them back.

There are moments in life when you feel that someone has been taken away from you in the cruelest, most painful and spiteful way there is. You lose them but then you are the one who ends up lost. You feel incomplete, broken, destroyed. You wish you never got there. You are filled with all the mixed feelings of sorrow, anger and regret. You wish you understood. You wish you knew more. You wish you knew the last time was the last time. But you never know, and you never will. You still wish you could go back.

There are moments in life when you wish someone was never gone. You wish you never lost them. You think you lost them forever, but no, you didn't, you will meet again. You will meet every time you close your eyes. Just close your eyes, you will find them. They are around you, they didn't die, they don't die, they live. They live in every memory in your head and every feeling in your heart. They live in every mark they left in your life and the lives of others, in every change they made, every impression they left, every idea they created. They live. They live around you, they live with you, within you, inside you. They will always live inside you, until you meet again.

There are moments in life when you can't yet realize what you are dealing with, you can't wrap your head around it, you can't fully understand. You think the pain is unbearable, you think the ache inside you grows deeper, not better. You think you can't withstand it anymore, you can't handle it, you can't survive, but you can, and you will. Loss is hard but inevitable. Letting go is hard but inevitable. You don't let go of the people, but you let go of the pain. You set yourself free of all the agony, free of all the distress, of all the soreness inside you and instead seek your well-being, find ease, find comfort. Find comfort in accepting the inevitable. Find comfort in a prayer. Pray for yourself, pray for them, pray for life. Pray for hope instead of despair. You know then that you can't go back and you get to live, so live. Live and never give up, never cave in, never surrender to loss, although it's hard. It's tough, complicated, grinding and hard. Hard but inevitable.

Emptiness Fulfilled

I wrote this a while back and now I am posting it upon a special request from a person who has stood by me through thick and thin. 

Just for you, Sama Tarek. Thank you for being a believer. 

Have you ever felt that void in your heart, like a hole that can never be filled, emptiness, just emptiness inside you? A space that nothing can easily fill.
Have you ever felt that longing to full satisfaction, that urge, that solid desire to take off looking for the very thing that can make you feel whole again?
Is it possible to find such thing in somebody's eyes?
The look you get, that makes you feel rich, loaded, that compensates the missing part of your heart.
Is it possible to be genuinely overwhelmed by a person, carried away by every little line forming the curve of their smile? That this smile, this precise same smile could move bits inside you, covering the emptiness, blocking the hole present within your self?
Your thirst to reach satisfaction has been quenched, your boundless, never-ending greed towards fulfillment has been completely appeased. You are fixed, healed of all the sorrows. You are safe again, and that feeling of comfort takes over the hollowness, just because of one person, one captivating smile, and one absolutely affectionate look through gracious, exquisitely faultless eyes.

Breakout

So, here's my first blog post. My breakout. How I let go.

Let go. Let go and don't hold back.
Don't be a caged bird and bottle up your songs.
Don't let people hear only one melody.
Speak out with your sweet voice, sing your ideas, let out your thoughts, color the world with all the melodies you feel.
Don't let them cage you, don't let them imprison you with their rules.
Break them. Break the rules and fly away. Break the cages, untie the strings. Release the strains and be free.
Take risks, venture, experiment, try. Fly where you want to fly and see with your own little eyes.
See for yourself, don't trust their lies. Don't let them show you only what they want you to see.
Don't let them captivate your views. Don't let them limit your choices.
Don't let them deny you the opportunities.
Fly to all the different places, observe all the different sights, notice all the different things, rejoice in all the different details.
Rebel, revel. Revel in the delicacy of the air around you. Absorb it in, and let it out.
Don't let your music live only within your heart. Share your music. Share your visions.
Spread your wings and sing along. Fly close and fly far.
Be independent, unconstrained, unenslaved.
The world needs you.
The world is yours, not theirs.
At least not theirs alone.