Loss

There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone down from heaven, you wish you could go back to before you lost them, to when you were able to spend time with them, feel the warmth of their presence, listen to them laugh, hear their voice penetrate you, go through you like it's warm soup to your cold, hungry soul. You wish you could just bring some of the days back, when you could talk to them, hug them, kiss them, make them feel how much you love them and how important they are to you. You wish you would have done that more often, you wish you could do that again, at least one more time, one last time. 

There are moments in life when you feel like someone was everything in your life, like everything revolved around them and everything is falling apart without them. You feel that with them gone, it's the end of the world already and you are just trapped, trapped in a dilemma of loss and fear. You feel that life is failing you, life is harsh, life is unfair. You don't want this. You don't want to be in this world if they are not in it. You don't want to move on without them. You think you can't. You think they were air, they were light. Like the world would come crashing in upon you and you just lay there, in the darkness, missing them, wishing they were there, still wishing you could bring them back.

There are moments in life when you feel that someone has been taken away from you in the cruelest, most painful and spiteful way there is. You lose them but then you are the one who ends up lost. You feel incomplete, broken, destroyed. You wish you never got there. You are filled with all the mixed feelings of sorrow, anger and regret. You wish you understood. You wish you knew more. You wish you knew the last time was the last time. But you never know, and you never will. You still wish you could go back.

There are moments in life when you wish someone was never gone. You wish you never lost them. You think you lost them forever, but no, you didn't, you will meet again. You will meet every time you close your eyes. Just close your eyes, you will find them. They are around you, they didn't die, they don't die, they live. They live in every memory in your head and every feeling in your heart. They live in every mark they left in your life and the lives of others, in every change they made, every impression they left, every idea they created. They live. They live around you, they live with you, within you, inside you. They will always live inside you, until you meet again.

There are moments in life when you can't yet realize what you are dealing with, you can't wrap your head around it, you can't fully understand. You think the pain is unbearable, you think the ache inside you grows deeper, not better. You think you can't withstand it anymore, you can't handle it, you can't survive, but you can, and you will. Loss is hard but inevitable. Letting go is hard but inevitable. You don't let go of the people, but you let go of the pain. You set yourself free of all the agony, free of all the distress, of all the soreness inside you and instead seek your well-being, find ease, find comfort. Find comfort in accepting the inevitable. Find comfort in a prayer. Pray for yourself, pray for them, pray for life. Pray for hope instead of despair. You know then that you can't go back and you get to live, so live. Live and never give up, never cave in, never surrender to loss, although it's hard. It's tough, complicated, grinding and hard. Hard but inevitable.